FOMO – Fear of Missing out

I’m very late to jump on the bandwagon of FOMO but I do suffer from a bad case of FOMO or Fear of missing out. This is highly illogical considering I have a lot more free time that the average person who works a 9-5 job.

I’m easily distracted and jump from one thing to another repeatedly not knowing which to complete first. I realise this is a program installed in me by my mother as she would tell to do five things to do and expect me to remember them all and the sequence in which to do them. I’ve always treated the first task as the one that needed to be done most urgently. So if I was given a task midway through completing a task which she can see I’m doing, I stop doing that and go onto the thing she just asked me to do. Then later on I would get complaints as to why the first task wasn’t done and I’ve now started to tell her that you gave me another task to do therefore I couldn’t finish the first thing you asked me to do. My dads approach is the opposite. When he receives a new task he says to her that he can’t do that right now as he is still completing the first task that she asked him to do. It still results in various tasks that remain undone as you only have so much time and energy in a day.

This pattern has continued in my life as my mother is very much interested in the approval of others. I need to appear to be fashionable and to say the right thing, do the right thing etc. I have never been able to blend into society as I’m just not made that way. I was made to be unique. I have been a mouse that would not say or do anything for fear of reprisals from others. This mouse has continually grown over the years through her many experiences but I am still a mouse. I don’t like to bother others, I like to be independent and work things out for myself. I’m too aloof at times not seeking help from others which could make things easier which makes me thing I have trust issues. When your bullied in your youth for just being yourself it makes you even more introverted.

Since I have a way of misconstruing my mothers intentions and misunderstand her thinking almost always this could be her way of questioning my intentions to make sure that they are what I really want for myself. I analyse everything to the nth degree leading to decision paralysis as there are always more viewpoints to consider. Therefore her constant reminders that I’m not doing what she thinks I should be doing or what society says I should be which in my mind amount to the same thing is not helpful.

I know my own mind. I always have done. Society however has always put a downer on me because I’m not like anybody else in the world. Its scary to be a forerunner and its incredibly painful. I just want the simple things in life, like to be happy and healthy but I haven’t been gifted those so far. What I have been gifted with is autism, near fatal road accident, hurricane, flood, fire, earthquake, a husband with leukemia and now it seems the inability to have a child.  I’m only 35!

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